[caption id=”attachment_136” align=”aligncenter” width=”254” caption=”K.O.T.O.R is pure Jedi Awesomeness.”][/caption]

July 15, 2003…A day that I will remember forever, because on that day George Lucas and Bioware released a new role playing game for the Xbox called Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. I grew up liking Star Wars, but KOTOR (as it is affectionately known) made like turn to love, lust, and then Lifetime Movie of the Week type obsession. KOTOR was the 1st game that I played

that actually made me feel like I could be a Jedi, Sith, or healthy mix of both.

My first play through took 63 hours to complete the Light Side storyline. At the end of the game I became convinced that I was Jedi Master Revan, I almost single-handedly saved the Republic from the Sith. It was glorious.

My 2nd play through too 50 hours to complete the Dark Side story line. I became convinced I was Darth Revan…Sith Lord and ruler of the Galaxy. Every decision I made to use my Mastery of the Force to crush my enemies beneath my heel brought me unending pleasure.

By the time I finished my 3rd play through, I would swear that I could feel the midi-cholorians coursing through my veins. I was the Chosen One. A perfect weapon. Righteous fury, able to have complete mastery of both sides of the force. In other words, I was one bad ass motherfucker and nothing could stand in my way.

I was in love, George Lucas and Bioware had successfully awakened the caged beast inside me. In the winter of 2003 I came out of the geek closet. The former jock was gone and I now embraced my destiny to be the coolest Star Wars fanboy in history.

Then…one short year later lightning struck again. George Lucas and this time Obsidian released KOTOR 2: Electric Boogaloo….err, The Sith Lords.

My marriage suffered, I began losing my hair, I became fat…it was great. I was once again fully enveloped in the dulcet undertones of the manichaen theology of Star Wars. I was wielding my dual lightsabers, force crushing enemies, and pummeling the shit out of every Ewok/Jawa/Rodian that came across my path. I was the motherloving Jedi Exile on a quest to find my master Revan and I was unstoppable.

Once again 3 play throughs abducted every free moment I had…it was hot and nerdy and I loved every minute of it. I loved training my squad in the ways of the force…I watched them become powerful Jedi or Sith…and I absolutely loved the cliffhanger, I ached for more, I couldn’t wait to risk my marriage for the third and final chapter of the KOTOR Trilogy. So like Yoda on Dagobah, I waited patiently for my sweet release…2004 became 2005

2005…2006…2007…2008…2009

5 years passed by and the hunger for closure panged like Darth Nihilist hungering for the Force. Internet forums were ablaze with the possibilities of what KOTOR 3 had in store. What awesomeness could be brewing after 5 years of development? Surely they wanted to jam as much nerdy deliciousness that they could into the final chapter so to make full use of the new 360’s gaming power and to successfully blow our minds.

Then the unthinkable occurred…

In 2009 George Lucas and Bioware cockteased KOTOR devotees like me with news of a new game coming out in 2010. FORCE FUCKING AWESOMESAUCE!!!!! KOTOR 3 IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But my joy was short lived, I should have known that George Lucas and Bioware were just the modern day manifestation of Exar Khun’s Sith Rule of 2.

[caption id=”” align=”alignnone” width=”540” caption=”Darth Lucas”][/caption]

Lucas, who for years I thought was my Jedi Master…was in reality the Evil Dark Lord of the Sith and Bioware was his Sith Apprentice.

Lucas and Bioware announced that the new game was to be a MMORPG based 300 years after the events of KOTOR 2. The Old Republic was everything I wanted nothing to do with. George Lucas broke my heart and shat in my cup of coffee. He literally said “I know that millions of you played 100’s of hours of KOTOR 1 and 2, and I know that both games won numerous GAME OF THE YEAR awards…and I know that both those games made Star Wars awesome again after I almost destroyed the SW mythos with my prequels….but fuck you and your need of closure…here’s a game that only shut ins with no job, girlfriend, or responsibility can enjoy…now excuse me while Bioware and I go gang rape this box of kittens”

FUCK YOU GEORGE LUCAS…fuck you fuck you fuck your fucking bearded 9 chin face. I have been trying to hone my force powers so that I can force choke you from my home in NJ for what you did to me and the millions of people like me. I hate you and your bat shit crazy logic.

The worst part is that being the fanboy I am….I will still buy this bullshit PC game and pay a monthly fee to play this anathema of a game while my Xbox 360 sits idle longing for me to play it. You will win in the end and I will never know what happened to Revan and the Exile when the left to destroy the true sith. And for that I vow to never jerk off to a picture of Slave Leia.

George Lucas…Do Better for your fans. We literally have made you a billionaire and you thanked us with Jar Jar Binks and Jake Lloyd. Fuck you.

You have made a career of out of trilogies…how about you finish what could have been the finest trilogy in entertainment history. Stop being evil, do better, and let’s finish this frakking fight. May the Force be with us all.

-SB